Don't forget why you are here

I used to attend auctions. I had to be very careful was not to go past my ceiling price. In the heat of an auction, when competition took away all sense of reason, and winning became the ONLY goal, I could end up with something that I paid too much for. In bidding, the goal was to keep your price firmly in your mind and when it goes above your price...STOP BIDDING!

I have known parents who were very frustrated because of their child's defiance. As the dance between the child and the parent increased, the parent moves into a death grip with the child over compliance.

"How dare you disobey (Talk back,defy, insert your personal favorite) me!"

At times like that, the job of parenting is blurred and the goal becomes winning at all costs. I have seen parents who have been so locked in battle that they have humiliated themselves. Hell, I have humiliated myself locked in compliance battles with children.

At these times we need to be clear about our role as parent. Our goal is to raise children who can be responsible, self-sufficient adults? How is the battle that we find ourselves fighting help those ends?

The reality is that it does not. Much like the madness that takes over in bidding, when we get into battles with our kids, we can lose sight of the prize. The goal is not to win the contest. The goal is to get the child to adulthood with skills to help them survive in the world. Think about what behaviors work outside the family and which ones don't. Focus on that. When the child insults you, or yells at you, think about whether that gets a child ahead “out there”. I guess it would if you belong to the Wrestling Federation, but you have to be really big and muscular to get hired there!

Understand that your child is attempting to figure out what works in the world. It's not really about you, even though the actions feel that way. If we spiral up our response to the child's escalation, it will be harder to convince them that that isn’t the way to move ahead in life.